It’s the Most Embarrassing Time of the Year

Despite my less than enthusiastic reaction, we made the transition from good friends to couple and for the next two years we were pretty much inseparable. I don’t remember one single argument between us; which might seem extraordinary except for the fact that I don’t remember much of anything from those two years. Honestly. I can pull up a snippet here and there but I can conjure up very few streaming video replays in my mind. I know that we kissed and I’m guessing we did it fairly often but I can only recall one specific incident –the most embarrassing one.

It was Christmas of ’89 and my Dad had gone hog wild with the decorations. He had “decked the halls” all the way to my bedroom which was strung with lights and had two atrocious, three-foot tall, Christmas candles anchoring each side of the bed. I assume that Mitch and I had gone into the sacred chamber of my bedroom to view the spectacle and what can I say? The mesmerizing glow of ginormous, plastic tapers was all too beguiling. We commenced to making out on my bed.

The next thing I remember was my Mom’s voice. “Amie? Are you home?” It was a sympathetic ruse. She knew that I was home. I knew that she knew that I was home. And she knew that I knew that she knew that I was home. I can assure you that the humiliation of the moment did more to inflame my cheeks with red heat than the making out session had accomplished. “Time for Mitch to go home.” He made a quick exit. Mom went back to sleep. I tossed and turned in my bed dreading the next morning’s confrontation.

“I could hardly tell if there were one or two people out there!” Mom scolded. To this day, I think that had more to do with her grogginess than our unbridled passion. Remember, I was a good girl. But I accepted my fate and endured the long lecture without dying from embarrassment…

that is, right up until my Dad decided to offer his own sage advice. “Just remember young lady, upper persuasion leads to lower invasion.” Gasp and cringe. Did my Dad just say “lower invasion?” ugh. I wanted to disappear from existence. Like Lily Tomlin in the Incredible Shrinking Woman, to just shrink into oblivion.

Somehow I survived. But aside from this and a few other highlights, the relationship is a blur until things started going south. I remember that stage vividly. Like fingernails on a chalkboard.