The Infamous Info-mercial

by Amie Sexton
excerpt from "Decorating with Weeds"

We’ve all seen it –a beautiful woman in a string bikini, thighs the size of your forearm, flawless air-brushed tan, perfection right down to the shape of her navel. She smiles from the TV screen and boasts “I went from a size 8 to a size 0 in just two short weeks. If I can do it, so can you!”

This woman has obviously never struggled with her weight. She wouldn’t know a stretch mark if it attacked her on the street and her biggest dilemma during swimsuit season is choosing between the blue bikini and the red one. Unlike those of us in the real world who clamor around the department store searching for that one suit that lifts, tucks, firms, cinches, controls, minimizes, and hides all at the same time.

My first reaction to her claim is an admittedly selfish desire to see this waif of a person thrown off balance by a strong wind and sent plunging head first into the crystal waters of the oasis-like swimming pool behind her. It’s not a completely heartless fantasy; after all, at size zero, I’m sure she will float safely into the skimmer where they can fish her out and wrap her up in a nice fluffy dish towel. No harm done.

I’m drawn from this delightful daydream by the voice of the announcer assuring me that these are “real people with real results.” Well, by now I’m so disgusted with the scam before me that I can barely stomach my third Entenmann’s chocolate covered doughnut. Alas, I turn the channel and my appetite is restored. Whew! That was close.